SETTING: The Oval Office. A map of Faerûn across the Resolute Desk, a bowl of Doritos, and a DM screen. DONALD TRUMP behind it. Across the desk: JONATHAN V. LAST, SARAH LONGWELL, and SAM STEIN, who already has his notebook open.

TRUMP: I’m the DONgeon Master, by the way. That’s what I am. DONgeon Master.

TRUMP: Incredible group. The best minds, actually. Some of the highest IQs in the building — not counting Trump, obviously, but very close, very competitive. Hate them, but the IQs are… (gestures upward) …tremendous. Second-highest in the room. Maybe third. Depends on the day. But top five, easily.

JVL: I want to note that being described as “smart but disliked by Trump” is the last remaining form of institutional validation in this country.

LONGWELL: (chuckling) Oh, here’s the thing — in my focus groups, college-educated suburban voters read that pairing as a net positive. Eighty-eight percent would rather be smart and disliked than liked and not noticed. It’s the cleaner number.

STEIN: Look, listen… he said smart, right? He said he doesn’t like them. That’s mammoth. That’s just — that’s a great lede.

TRUMP: I didn’t…

STEIN: (showing the notebook) You said it.

TRUMP: I hate that you do that.

STEIN: (writing that down too) Noted.

TRUMP: Okay. You’re in a tavern. Beautiful tavern. The best stonework, actually…

STEIN: Who owns the tavern?

TRUMP: I wasn’t done.

STEIN: You paused.

TRUMP: I was mid-sentence.

STEIN: Not an interruption. You paused, right? I have that.

JVL: (already composing) “The Stonework Is Perfect: Notes on What We Are Watching.” No. “The Tavern at the End of Democracy.” Better. Working title.

TRUMP: The barkeep comes over. Very strong. Compact but powerful. Great arms, actually…

JVL: The barkeep’s demeanor is historically unprecedented. I want to flag that.

TRUMP: He’s a dwarf.

JVL: He’s a Jar Jar Binks figure. He seems harmless. He’s not harmless.

TRUMP: He’s a dwarf. Not everything is Star Wars.

JVL: Jar Jar voted to give Palpatine emergency powers. That’s exactly what’s…

TRUMP: The dwarf is not Jar Jar.

JVL: The dwarf has Jar Jar energy. Is what I’m saying.

LONGWELL: (chuckling) Jonathan. Not everything is the fall of the Republic.

JVL: (without looking up) Yet.

LONGWELL: In my focus groups, the college-educated halflings in the suburban swing precincts say they don’t trust the barkeep, but they’re not ready to call him a villain. They need more information. Back home in rural Pennsylvania we’d have called that a bad feeling and acted on it. (chuckles) The halflings are still at the information-gathering stage. The data is not great.

LONGWELL: Here’s what eats at me. I’ve been watching this man since 2015. I know exactly how this con works because I helped build the playbook, and the halflings are still gathering information. They don’t need more. They need to get there themselves. That’s the hard part and it drives me absolutely crazy.

STEIN: But what’s the quote? You can’t run the segment without the quote.

LONGWELL: Quote: “I don’t know, something feels off but I can’t put my finger on it.” Multiple focus groups. Different halflings.

STEIN: Something feels off. Multiple halflings. Different sessions. Right. I have that.

TRUMP: The barkeep asks what you want.

JVL: I ask the barkeep whether he’s aware that we’re in the third act of a story that historically ends the same way.

TRUMP: He doesn’t know what that means.

JVL: That’s the thing.

STEIN: I ask the barkeep a direct question. When did he start working here?

TRUMP: He doesn’t answer.

STEIN: I follow up. Where was he before this?

TRUMP: He looks away.

TRUMP: He’s polishing a glass, Sam.

STEIN: Two direct questions, two deflections. Any journalist worth their salt stops being polite after two. He polished a glass at me. I have that.

JVL: “The Barkeep Is Polishing a Glass: Notes on What We Are Watching.” Working title. Better.

STEIN: My buddy over here has written four newsletters and we haven’t left the tavern.

LONGWELL: In my focus groups, when the barkeep polished the glass, the college-educated halflings said it felt disrespectful to the journalistic process. They used the word “dismissive.” Multiple halflings.

JVL: Classic Palpatine. Except Palpatine was more upfront about it, which is actually…

TRUMP: He’s not Palpatine!

JVL: …more alarming, not less, when you think about it.

TRUMP: He’s a dwarf!

JVL: “The Dwarf Is Not Palpatine: And Why That’s Worse.” That’s the newsletter. That’s the one.

STEIN: That’s a hell of a headline.

TRUMP: A mysterious figure enters. Very handsome. The best jaw — very symmetrical, incredible structure. Thick through the neck. Powerful. Broad across the shoulders, which are… very nice shoulders, actually. Big hands. And the calves… the calves specifically. Very strong calves. Long calves. The kind of calves you see and you think: this person has been somewhere. Has done things. Very…

(He catches himself.)

TRUMP: Baaad person, actually. Very bad. Forget the calves. He has a quest.

STEIN: (laughing) Sorry. Calves. Correction. I have that.

JVL: He’s a Luke Skywalker figure. He’ll fail once, disappear, come back, and still not solve the underlying problem.

TRUMP: He has a quest.

JVL: Which is a metaphor.

TRUMP: It’s a quest! Do you want the quest or not?

LONGWELL: In my focus groups, the college-educated halflings in the swing precincts want a quest they can see themselves going on, but they don’t trust the quest-giver. They’re open to the dragon narrative. They just need to hear it explained three separate times in a non-threatening way, and the third time has to feel like it was their idea.

STEIN: What happens if it’s only explained twice?

LONGWELL: (chuckling) They stay home on quest day.

STEIN: Look, if there’s a unifying theory of the case, right, it’s that everyone understands the quest and nobody goes. That’s not a reporting problem. The reporting is there. Nobody’s reading it. I have that.

JVL: Sam. Nobody’s ever reading it. That’s the whole thing.

STEIN: I reject that.

TRUMP: They like me, though. The halflings.

LONGWELL: (chuckling) Some of them. Less than before. The data…

TRUMP: The data’s wrong.

LONGWELL: The data is never wrong. It’s just consistently discouraging.

TRUMP: There’s a dragon! In the mountains! Are you going to fight it or not?

JVL: I’d like to ask a clarifying question. Because we might be going to the bad place.

TRUMP: What.

JVL: Is this a Sauron situation or a Voldemort situation?

TRUMP: It’s a D&D situation.

JVL: I want to say two things. The first is that I’m asking whether the dragon is the primary threat or a symptom of a deeper structural failure that will persist even after the dragon is defeated. The second is that it doesn’t matter which one, because the destination is the same.

TRUMP: It’s a dragon. It breathes fire. Classic.

JVL: Classic.

JVL: Classic is never just classic. There are really only two possibilities — the dragon is the worst thing in this story, or it’s the most visible thing in a much longer list. The second one is harder to write about.

JVL: “The Dragon Is Classic: What That Means For All Of Us.”

STEIN: I want to go to the mountains and ask the dragon a direct question. That’s the obvious question. Nobody’s asked the obvious question.

TRUMP: The dragon will eat you.

STEIN: I have a follow-up ready.

TRUMP: For after it eats you?

STEIN: You try editing this every day.

LONGWELL: In my focus groups…

JVL: …the halflings understand the threat…

LONGWELL: …but they’re not going to the mountains…

JVL: …and by the time they’re ready…

LONGWELL: …it’ll be too late.

(A beat.)

STEIN: The party appeared to understand the situation clearly. The dragon was real. The threat was documented. No one moved toward the mountains. No one rolled the dice.

TRUMP: You know, most groups just play. Vance, Hegseth — they just roll. They don’t… do all this.

LONGWELL: I used to work for those Republicans. Before all this. They had their problems but they asked questions. They wanted to know things. (chuckling) And how’s that working out?

TRUMP: Very well. Tremendously. The best outcomes.

LONGWELL: I know. And yet. We stay and fight. That’s what we do. That’s who we are.

JVL: “And Yet: Notes From the Tavern.” That’s the title. That’s the one. I don’t know if it helps. I can be wrong. But that’s the one.

LONGWELL: It helps. Stop that.

STEIN: They played. They didn’t ask follow-ups. And nobody’s edited this. I have that.

TRUMP: Very smart. Actually. I’ll give you that. Some of the smartest in here. Very nasty. But smart. They tried to lock Trump up, by the way. Twice. Nobody remembers. Very unfair. And very… (trails off) …DONgeon Master, by the way. That’s still — I just want to make sure everyone has that.

LONGWELL: We built a thing. It’s still standing.

(Nobody writes it down.)

TRUMP: (as if the session had just started) There’s a knight arriving through the mountain pass. Very powerful. Long through the leg. Beautiful… the calves especially. Very… (softer) …very…

(Soft snoring.)

STEIN: (whispering) The President fell asleep at approximately 3:52 PM EST. The dungeon remained uncleared. The dragon remained at large. Sam Stein had that.

JVL: (whispering) I need to write the newsletter.

LONGWELL: (whispering) My focus group predicted this outcome.

STEIN: Which outcome?

LONGWELL: All of them.

STEIN: (whispering) Alright guys, that’s the show. Good episode. Don’t forget to like and subscribe.

They sit. Three people who have spent years explaining this man to a worried country, now in the same room as him with nothing left to explain. The map of Faerûn is still spread across the Resolute Desk. The Doritos are untouched. The dragon is still in the mountains. Somewhere in Milwaukee, forty-seven halflings are waiting for someone to tell them what to do next. No one will.

SETTING: The Oval Office. The map of Faerun across the Resolute Desk, partially covered by a TRUMP/KUSHNER WATERDEEP property proposal, a bowl of Doritos, and a DM screen. DONALD TRUMP behind it. Across from him: DON JR, with a camouflage dice bag; IVANKA, already admiring the bones of the room; MELANIA, character sheet laminated; and STEVE WITKOFF, who is technically on a call.

TRUMP: Great session. Great group. The best group.

DON JR: Dad, I’ve been pumped. I’ve been so pumped for this. (to Witkoff) This is going to be amazing, right?

WITKOFF: (into phone) — I understand that, but what I’m saying is the terms are negotiable —

DON JR: (quieter, to Witkoff) It’s going to be really amazing, right?

WITKOFF: (into phone) — tell them I’ll have something by Thursday —

DON JR: (quieter still) Right?

Witkoff hangs up. Looks at Don Jr. Does not high-five. Don Jr’s hand remains extended for a beat.

IVANKA: (looking around the room) The energy in here is already incredible.

TRUMP: You’re in a tavern —

DON JR: What’s a tavern?

TRUMP: Like a bar.

DON JR: Oh. (nodding intently) Okay. I get it. So there’s a tavern. Like a bar. And you gotta — you gotta respect the tavern. Like a bull elk. You gotta look it in the eye. You gotta let it know you’re there but you’re not a threat. Then you move.

TRUMP: Sure, like that. I’m coaching you, Don. That’s what this is.

DON JR: (to Witkoff) Right? You gotta make eye contact with the tavern so it knows you’re chill.

WITKOFF: (already on the other phone) — yes, I’ll have him call you —

TRUMP: The barkeep comes over. He’s a dwarf. Very strong. Beautiful build. Incredible arms, very compact and powerful, thick neck, you know the type — baaad person. Very bad. Anyway he comes over —

MELANIA: I identify ze barkeep’s alignment.

TRUMP: You don’t need to —

MELANIA: He is Lawful Neutral and vill respond to a direct informational request razzer zan a persuasion roll. I ask him for information about available qvests.

TRUMP: He gives it to you. There’s a dragon —

MELANIA: I ask for ze dragon’s last known location, its primary damage type, and ze name of whoever issued ze bounty.

(Everyone looks at Melania.)

TRUMP: He tells you all of that.

MELANIA: (writing it on her laminated sheet, not looking up) Thank you, Mr. President.

DON JR: Wait — so how do I talk to the barkeep? Dad, can I talk to the barkeep?

TRUMP: You just talk to him.

DON JR: Like approaching a bear. You gotta be calm. It’s all about the first ten seconds. Most people blow the first ten seconds with a bear. (nodding at Witkoff) Right?

WITKOFF: (just off a call) What does the barkeep want?

TRUMP: He wants —

WITKOFF: Have we asked him directly? Because in my experience, you find out what number someone needs to hear, and you say that number. What does the barkeep want?

TRUMP: He’s an NPC. He has a role.

WITKOFF: Everything has a scripted role until you put the right person on the phone. Let me talk to him.

TRUMP: Britpop —

WITKOFF: Witkoff. (already dialing) Let me get him.

TRUMP: You cannot call the barkeep.

WITKOFF: (into phone) Hi, yes, this is Steve Witkoff, is the barkeep available? It’s regarding a quest.

(Silence.)

DON JR: (to Ivanka) Is this going well?

IVANKA: (looking around the room serenely) The whole session has incredible energy. The Resolute Desk has incredible bones. The ceiling height is doing so much work in here.

TRUMP: The barkeep has a quest. There’s a dragon —

IVANKA: The dragon is such an opportunity. If you reframe the encounter — not as a confrontation, but as a creative partnership — the mountain region is completely underleveraged. It’s about the pivot.

DON JR: I want to shoot the dragon.

TRUMP: Good instinct. That’s — I’m coaching you, and that’s a good instinct.

DON JR: I brought a crossbow.

TRUMP: You roll for the crossbow, Don. You don’t bring —

DON JR: (reaching into the camouflage dice bag and pulling out an actual small crossbow) I keep it with the dice for energy.

(Everyone looks at the crossbow.)

TRUMP: That’s a real crossbow. Who the hell gave Don a crossbow? Anyone?

DON JR: Uncle Jared gave it to me, for elf-defense or something.

IVANKA: (touching his arm) The crossbow represents Don’s authentic self and we should honor that.

DON JR: (genuinely touched) Thanks, Iv.

MELANIA: (not looking up) Ze dragon is in ze northeastern mountain range. Its primary veakness is cold damage. Ve approach from ze south. Zere is cover and ve have ze high ground. (makes a small mark on her sheet) Mr. President.

TRUMP: She’s right. That’s the correct move.

(Nobody moves.)

TRUMP: I said she’s right.

DON JR: Can I try the crossbow though? (picks it up, holds it backwards)

MELANIA: (not looking up) Ze other vay, dahling.

DON JR: (turning it around) I knew that.

TRUMP: The objective is NORTHEAST.

DON JR: I’ll go north. Bear-style. Patience. You don’t rush a dragon like you rush a mule deer. You wait it out. You go high. (beat) Wait — is high good or bad?

TRUMP: Higher is always better.

DON JR: (extremely confident now, incorrectly) Got it. (tries to high-five Witkoff)

WITKOFF: (on the phone) —yes, I’ll hold —

Don Jr’s hand hangs in the air for a long beat.

TRUMP: Dumkopf —

WITKOFF: Witkoff.

TRUMP: That’s what I said.

WITKOFF: You said Dumkopf.

TRUMP: (plowing on) — has a point. There might be a deal here with the dragon.

WITKOFF: (covering the phone) There’s always a deal. You just have to find what the dragon actually wants. Have we asked?

MELANIA: (quietly) I already askt. It vants to be left alone. A vritten agreement vould end zis. (marks her sheet) Mr. President.

Nobody listens to Melania.

WITKOFF: I can have a term sheet drafted by Friday. Standard structure — territorial rights, hoard protections, dealer prep fees.

IVANKA: The dragon has incredible market positioning. If you rebrand the threat as a partnership — “Dragon + Alliance” — there’s actually a wellness narrative here. Transformation through fire. Jared would say the same thing. (looks at phone) Oh. He’s on a call. (begins typing) He sends his love.

TRUMP: Ivanka —

IVANKA: It’s an important call.

DON JR: (rolling a 4) Twenty!

IVANKA: (gently) Sweetheart. That’s a four.

DON JR: Dad said higher is better.

IVANKA: Four is better than three. It’s not a twenty.

DON JR: (to Witkoff, recalibrating) Four.

MELANIA: (not looking up) A four is sufficient for ze skill check. He passes.

DON JR: (looking at Melania for a beat, then away) Thanks.

WITKOFF: (off the phone, to the table) The dragon’s people passed.

DON JR: The dragon said no?

WITKOFF: The dragon said not yet. In my experience, a soft pass is just a yes that hasn’t found its price point.

DON JR: (extending his hand toward Witkoff)

WITKOFF: (hand already back on the phone)

TRUMP: Jerkoff —

WITKOFF: Witkoff.

TRUMP: — that’s incredible. Really. Incredible work. So the dragon situation is resolved. The lair. There’s a knight locked in a cage. Big guy. The best face. Very handsome. Very symmetrical. Beautiful — really beautiful — hair, you can just tell when the hair is right, and this hair is right, very classic hero hair, perfect, the jaw is — very strong — and the eyes — very blue, kind of blue-green, they change in the light, it’s incredible, very — very loyal eyes — and the arms, you can see the arms through the armor, very thick, very proportional — and the calves — incredible calves, you just don’t see calves like that anymore, very — very powerful — very…

(Soft snoring.)

DON JR: (whispering) Dad?

IVANKA: (whispering, not looking up from her phone) He’s resting. It’s restorative.

DON JR: (whispering) Should we wake him up?

MELANIA: (whispering, already writing on her laminated sheet) Ve free ze knight using ze key in ze eastern alcove. Ve exit via ze south passage. Ve complete ze qvest. (small mark on the sheet, not looking up) Mr. President.

WITKOFF: (whispering, into the phone) — tell him I’ll be there Tuesday — (hangs up, to the room) I’m going to need another forty-eight hours. The dragon’s still at the table. (beat) Technically.

DON JR: (whispering) Does that count? Did we win?

IVANKA: (whispering) We pivoted.

DON JR: (whispering) Is that the same thing?

IVANKA: (whispering) In my experience, it’s better.

DON JR: (extending his hand toward Witkoff)

Witkoff is on another call. Don Jr lowers his hand. He picks up the crossbow. He turns it over. He pulls something.

A bolt fires across the Oval Office and embeds itself in a framed copy of the Declaration of Independence.

(Long silence.)

Trump does not wake up. The Doritos remain untouched.

The room is quiet. Trump breathes evenly in the chair. The map of Faerun sits between them. The knight is in the cage. The lair is just north of where Melania said it would be. Don Jr looks at his father in the silence with an expression that is trying very hard to be something, and Ivanka sends Jared’s love, and Melania closes her laminated character sheet, and Witkoff, two calls later, will not close the deal but will call it progress, and Trump will wake up and take credit for it, and nobody in this room will find that strange.

SETTING: The Oval Office. A map of Faerûn across the Resolute Desk, a bowl of Doritos, and a DM screen. DONALD TRUMP behind it. Across from him: JON FAVREAU, legal pad open, a hand-drawn chart beside it; TOMMY VIETOR, phone already out; JON LOVETT, Diet Coke already open; and DAN PFEIFFER, sitting slightly apart with a notepad.

FAVREAU: Donald Trump. Great to have you here.

TRUMP: Thank you. (beat) Great show, by the way. Really. Very popular show. I made it popular, actually — before me you had nothing to talk about. Nobody was listening. Now everybody listens. You’re welcome, by the way.

LOVETT: He just took credit for our podcast.

TRUMP: Nobody ever thanks Trump, by the way. Very unfair. Trump does something that has never been done before in the history of media, possibly ever — makes a podcast the most popular in the country — and nobody says thank you. Nobody. (beat) I’m the DONgeon Master, by the way. That’s what I call it. The DONgeon Master.

(A beat. Nothing.)

You’re in a tavern…

FAVREAU: (pulling out the legal pad) Before we start, I want to talk strategy. What are we trying to accomplish, what are the key vulnerabilities in the quest structure, and what’s our coalition-building plan for the mountain region?

TRUMP: It’s D&D, Jon. (beat) Very handsome guy, by the way. The cheekbones. Very classic.

FAVREAU: I know. I just want us to be organized. I made a chart.

LOVETT: (looking at the chart) There’s a pie chart.

FAVREAU: The pie chart shows the party’s skill distribution.

LOVETT: One of the slices is labeled “vibes.”

FAVREAU: It’s a real skill.

LOVETT: Jon. The vibes slice is forty percent of the pie.

FAVREAU: (quietly) That seems right, actually.

TRUMP: You’re in a tavern. Beautiful stonework. Incredible stonework, actually — the best. I know stonework. Trump Tower — Italian marble, flew the craftsmen over from Italy, real Italy — classic technique. Almost Roman. The Romans knew stonework. Caesar knew stonework. People say Caesar didn’t know stonework — he knew. We’re similar in that way, actually. Very similar. (coming back to it) Beautiful tavern. Prime location. Five stars, easily.

TOMMY: Can I ask a quick question about the geopolitical situation? Because if you look at the Sundering of 1487 DR and its impact on the balance of power between the Lord’s Alliance and the Zhentarim, and then you layer in the recent incursions from the…

LOVETT: Tommy, man, we’re ordering drinks.

TOMMY: I know, but it’s relevant context because if we don’t understand the underlying power dynamics then…

FAVREAU: Tommy’s actually right. We need the context.

LOVETT: Favreau just agreed that we need the medieval geopolitical context.

PFEIFFER: (not looking up from his notepad) The context doesn’t matter. We’re going to lose this adventure regardless. I’ve run the numbers.

FAVREAU: We’re not going to lose.

PFEIFFER: I’ve run the numbers.

FAVREAU: Stop doing the thing where you know how it ends.

PFEIFFER: I don’t know how it ends. I’ve already written the post-mortem.

LOVETT: He wrote the post-mortem. Before the session started. (a beat) That’s the bit. That’s the entire bit right there.

PFEIFFER: It’s not a bit, Jon. It’s strategic clarity.

LOVETT: (to an imaginary microphone) “Strategic clarity.” He walked in here with the post-mortem already written. Someone pull that clip.

TRUMP: The barkeep comes over. Very large man. Best build. Beautiful arms. Tremendous…

FAVREAU: (writing on the legal pad) Possible ally?

TRUMP: He’s a baaad person.

FAVREAU: (crossing it out) Opposition.

TOMMY: This actually reminds me of Hungary in 2010 when Orbán used his supermajority to systematically dismantle every independent institution before anyone understood what was happening, and if you look at the sequencing…

LOVETT: Tommy…

TOMMY: I know, but it’s directly analogous…

FAVREAU: Let him finish.

TOMMY: Thank you. So with Orbán…

LOVETT: (gently) Tommy, I love you.

TOMMY: I know, but…

LOVETT: But I cannot let you finish this sentence.

TOMMY: It’s a very relevant…

FAVREAU: Jon. Real stakes.

LOVETT: (a pause, visibly restraining himself) You’re right. I’m sorry. That was… (beat) although “real stakes in D&D” is also…

FAVREAU: Jon.

LOVETT: I’m done. Completely done. I shouldn’t have… (beat) okay but the pie chart, though…

FAVREAU: (closing his eyes) Please.

TRUMP: Who talks to the barkeep?

FAVREAU: I want to open a dialogue about the local political landscape and assess which factions we need to win over before we attempt the main quest. I made a map.

TRUMP: You made a map? (studying him) Incredible face, by the way. I’ve always said. The jaw, the forehead — very strong face. Presidential, almost. Very…

FAVREAU: It shows the persuadable precincts in the mountain region.

LOVETT: He made a persuadable precinct map for D&D.

PFEIFFER: (without looking up) It’s a good map, actually. I referenced it in the post-mortem.

FAVREAU: When did you write the post-mortem?

PFEIFFER: Last week.

FAVREAU: We didn’t know about this session last week.

PFEIFFER: (shrugging) Some version of this was always going to happen.

TRUMP: A mysterious figure enters. Beautiful guy. The best jaw. Very symmetrical. I know faces, believe me, I know what a good face looks like, and this face is — incredible — very deep-set eyes, very…

TOMMY: Actually, in terms of the figure’s symbolic role, he maps very cleanly onto the pattern of democratic backsliding that you see in…

(Everyone looks at Tommy.)

TOMMY: (quietly) I’m just saying the historical parallel is…

LOVETT: It’s true, though.

FAVREAU: It IS true.

PFEIFFER: (finally looking up) In my post-mortem, I call it “the predictable failure of the institutional structures to recognize the pattern in time.” Chapter two.

FAVREAU: There are chapters?

PFEIFFER: There are five chapters. The appendix has the electoral projections for the dungeon.

LOVETT: He wrote an appendix.

TRUMP: (loudly) THE FIGURE HAS A QUEST. There’s a dragon. In the mountains. Very dangerous. What do you do?

(Silence.)

FAVREAU: (putting down the legal pad, looking at everyone) Okay. Here’s what we’re going to do. We are going to take this quest. We are going to be strategic, organized, and disciplined. We are going to build a broad coalition in the mountain region. Because there are villages at the foot of those mountains. And the people in those villages didn’t choose this dragon. They woke up one morning and the dragon was there. And they have been waiting — longer than is fair, longer than should have been necessary — for someone to take this quest. That is who this party has always been at its best. Not the party with the cleanest map or the most detailed post-mortem, but the party that shows up when it matters. Because somewhere in the arc of this campaign is the truth that we already know: that the dragon doesn’t win unless we let it. We are going to find the dragon’s vulnerabilities, exploit them with a clear and targeted message, and we are going to win. Is everyone with me?

(A beat. Everyone looks at Favreau.)

TRUMP: (quietly) Very handsome when he does that. The way he… (trailing off) very handsome guy.

LOVETT: (genuinely moved) That was a good speech.

FAVREAU: Thank you.

LOVETT: That was… that was actually a good speech. That was like a West Wing speech but for a D&D campaign.

FAVREAU: Jon.

LOVETT: I felt it and then I said that and I… I’m sorry. That was wrong.

FAVREAU: It’s fine.

LOVETT: It wasn’t fine and I… (visibly restraining himself from going further) I’m going to sit with that. (beat) Although “wrong move” is interesting because in this adventure the wrong move might actually be the…

FAVREAU: Jon.

LOVETT: I’m done. Completely done.

PFEIFFER: (quietly) For what it’s worth. I put the speech in the post-mortem.

FAVREAU: (softly) You put my speech in the post-mortem?

PFEIFFER: Chapter four. “Things That Almost Worked.” It’s the longest chapter.

(Silence.)

TOMMY: In Hungary, the speech would have been the turning point, but only if the party had first established a functional…

LOVETT: Tommy.

TOMMY: I know.

(They all look at the map of Faerun. The quest sits there between them, unclaimed.)

TRUMP: (emerging from a brief reverie) …tremendous calves on that knight, by the way. Very classic calves. The best. Beautiful calves. Maybe the best calves I’ve ever…

(He is asleep.)

Nobody is rolling. Everyone is looking at the table. Favreau’s pie chart has a forty-percent vibes slice that nobody is willing to argue with. Pfeiffer’s post-mortem has five chapters and an appendix and was written before anyone arrived. Tommy never finished the sentence about Hungary. And somewhere in the mountains, the dragon is waiting, and the Doritos are untouched.

TRUMP: The DONgeon Master is ready. (waits) That’s me. (nothing) Okay. You’re in Waterdeep. Incredible city. The best city. Beautiful buildings — cobblestone, very classic, they don’t build like that anymore, believe me, I know buildings, people say nobody knows buildings better than Trump, they really say that. The harbor. Incredible stonework on the seawall. Prime real estate, actually. Absolutely prime. Very beautiful.

MAMDANI: (beaming) What’s the median rent?

TRUMP: What?

MAMDANI: In Waterdeep. For a one-bedroom in the Castle Ward.

TRUMP: It’s a great rent. Very affordable.

MAMDANI: In my research, the median rent in Waterdeep’s Castle Ward is approximately forty-seven gold pieces per month, which, when adjusted for a typical merchant’s wage…

TRUMP: Very fair.

MAMDANI: …represents nearly seventy percent of a laborer’s monthly income, which is why affordability has to be the lens through which we approach any encounter in this city…

KLEIN: The problem isn’t the rent. The problem is the zoning code that prevents anyone from building in the first place. If Waterdeep had allowed upzoning in the Harbor Ward forty years ago, rents would be twelve gold pieces. I actually wrote a…

TRUMP: It’s a great city. Why would you build more?

KLEIN: Because more supply…

TRUMP: I like it how it is.

MAMDANI: It’s unaffordable.

TRUMP: That means it’s exclusive. That’s good.

COLLINS: Mr. Trump — (checking notes) — per a 1367 DR report from the Waterdeep Renters’ Guild, forty-two percent of Castle Ward residents are rent-burdened, and I’m wondering if you can address…

TRUMP: Kaitlan. Nobody asked Kaitlan. Very nasty. Very fake news. The fakest. People say — very smart people, the most respected — they say CNN is the most dishonest network in history, maybe ever, and I agree, I really do, nobody has been treated more unfairly by the press than Trump, historians will say that, incredible historians, very serious, and yet here she is, in the Oval Office, with the microphone, very nasty, very… the barkeep comes over. He’s a dwarf…

COLLINS: A dwarf or a halfling?

TRUMP: (long pause) A dwarf.

COLLINS: And what is the nature of his employment? Is he…

TRUMP: He’s a barkeep. Very strong. Beautiful build. Tremendous arms, very compact but powerful, you know the type. Incredible. (catching himself) He’s a baaad person. Who talks to him?

MAMDANI: Before we engage, I want to raise a point about the tavern’s pricing structure. A round of ales at the Yawning Portal has historically cost…

KLEIN: The tavern isn’t the issue, the licensing code is the issue, and the question we should actually be asking — is why Waterdeep decided a monopoly was preferable to competition in the first place.

TRUMP: It’s a great tavern. The barkeep…

MAMDANI: Is the barkeep a renter or a homeowner?

TRUMP: He’s a barkeep.

MAMDANI: Because if he’s in a commercial lease and the landlord has the right to…

TRUMP: He’s just a barkeep! He’s standing there! He’s looking at you!

COLLINS: (raising her hand and the microphone) I’ll ask him a question.

TRUMP: Kaitlan, your character is a rogue.

COLLINS: I’m aware. My rogue asks him a direct question and will follow up if the answer is evasive.

TRUMP: He’s going to be evasive.

COLLINS: (writing something down) Then I’ll follow up.

TRUMP: He has very beautiful eyes, by the way. Very piercing. Grey. You could get lost in them, truly extraordinary eyes, very…

MAMDANI: Does he own the building?

TRUMP: (staring at nothing) Nobody is asking about the building.

MAMDANI: It determines his economic stake in the affordability crisis and whether he’s an ally or…

KLEIN: Zoran, the building is a symptom. The problem is the zoning code that created the conditions for a single owner to…

MAMDANI: I understand the supply argument, Ezra, but without an affordability…

KLEIN: You can’t have affordability without supply…

MAMDANI: You can’t have supply without affordability programs…

KLEIN: That’s backwards.

MAMDANI: That’s not backwards, that’s…

TRUMP: A MYSTERIOUS FIGURE COMES IN. Beautiful guy. The best face. Very symmetrical. Incredible jaw. You don’t get jaws like that naturally, usually, but this jaw is natural, you can tell, it’s very organic, tremendous…

COLLINS: (interrupting) Is he affiliated with the Lord’s Alliance or is this an independent commission? And a follow-up: what is his fee structure?

TRUMP: He has a quest.

COLLINS: What’s the compensation?

TRUMP: He’s offering…

COLLINS: Because if the compensation is inadequate relative to the risk profile…

TRUMP: Kaitlan.

COLLINS: Yes.

TRUMP: Stop.

COLLINS: I just want one straight answer.

(Silence.)

TRUMP: He’s offering a reward. A great reward. The best reward. A treasure hoard, very beautiful, lots of gold, incredible gems, believe me. He says there’s a dragon. In the mountains. Very dangerous. What do you do?

KLEIN: Before we respond… I want to ask him what three books shaped how he thinks about territorial resource hoarding and institutional scarcity.

TRUMP: About what?

KLEIN: About the dragon. The displacement. The structural conditions that created the…

TRUMP: He doesn’t read. He’s a quest giver.

KLEIN: (writing something down) That tracks.

MAMDANI: I ask about the dragon’s impact on housing in the affected area. Specifically: has the dragon’s presence displaced any working-class communities? Because if the dragon has moved into an area and driven up…

TRUMP: What?

MAMDANI: Property values. The dragon may be creating a rent crisis in the mountain villages that we need to address before…

KLEIN: This is exactly my point. The dragon isn’t the problem. The dragon is a symptom. The problem is that there are no fire-resistant building codes in the mountain zone, and if there were, the dragon’s impact on housing stock would be…

MAMDANI: Ezra, the building codes are important, but they don’t address the displacement of existing…

KLEIN: Supply is the issue!

MAMDANI: Cost burden is the issue!

KLEIN: This is actually the central argument of a book I co-wrote with Derek Thompson about why America keeps failing to build the things it needs — the dragon is a scarcity problem, and scarcity problems are always fundamentally about—

TRUMP: THE DRAGON IS THE ISSUE. Beautiful dragon, actually. Very sleek. Incredible wingspan. The scales are — very dramatic — a kind of deep green, you don’t see that color, usually it’s more of a flat green but this is more of a…

COLLINS: Does the dragon have any previous statements on the housing crisis? Because I have some quotes from 1355 DR where the dragon…

TRUMP: (staring at her) How do you have quotes from 1355 DR?

COLLINS: (pulling out a folder) I did some research.

(Long pause.)

TRUMP: Terrible.

COLLINS: I have follow-ups.

TRUMP: (to nobody) What is this show.

MAMDANI: I approach the dragon.

TRUMP: What? You’re not…

MAMDANI: I approach the dragon and I offer a comprehensive affordability package that would allow the dragon to retain its lair under a community land trust structure, eliminating its rent burden while stabilizing…

TRUMP: The dragon doesn’t want a community land trust.

MAMDANI: How do you know?

TRUMP: I’m the DM.

MAMDANI: (making notes) That’s a very top-down approach to community engagement.

(Trump stares at Mamdani for a moment.)

TRUMP: You have a great smile, by the way. Very warm. The cheekbones — incredible. Very high, very symmetrical, beautiful structure, you don’t get cheekbones like that without very good genes, and these are natural, you can tell, very organic, tremendous…

MAMDANI: (still beaming) Thank you. The dragon’s displacement of mountain-village residents —

TRUMP: Incredible cheekbones.

KLEIN: He’s right, actually. The dragon isn’t a bad actor. The dragon is a rational actor responding to a set of incentives that make hoarding more economically rational than distributing, and if you change the incentive structure…

TRUMP: THE DRAGON WANTS TO EAT YOU. That’s what dragons do. Very beautiful dragon but it wants to eat you!

KLEIN: Because the incentive structure rewards hoarding. If we just changed the incentive structure…

TRUMP: (standing up slightly) THE DRAGON BREATHES FIRE. YOU ALL TAKE DAMAGE.

MAMDANI: (calmly making notes, still beaming) On fire. Still raising affordability concerns. The median rent in Waterdeep has likely risen to fifty-three gold pieces since we arrived.

KLEIN: I roll to… actually, before I roll, I want to question why “attack” is the only resolution mechanic. It’s very limiting. If we reformed the encounter structure to allow for alternative approaches, we’d…

TRUMP: Ezra, you’re also on fire.

KLEIN: Fire is a symptom.

TRUMP: Of what?

KLEIN: Of inadequate zoning codes.

Collins raises her hand.

TRUMP: Kaitlan.

COLLINS: I have a follow-up.

TRUMP: You’re on fire.

COLLINS: (into microphone, composedly) I’m on fire and I have a follow-up.

Trump rubs his temples with both hands.

TRUMP: This quest is going nowhere. A beautiful quest. The best quest. Nobody has ever been given a better quest. You’re all on fire and nobody has moved ten feet and the dragon is still up there and the rent is… what is the rent now?

MAMDANI: (checking notes) Sixty-one gold pieces. The crisis is accelerating.

TRUMP: That’s not… I didn’t say… the rent is the same.

KLEIN: The dragon has created a supply shock that…

TRUMP: Nobody is listening to Trump today. Not one person. Very smart people, terrible people, very nasty woman with the questions and the affordability plans and the follow-ups and the zoning, zoning, zoning. But Trump is still here. Because Trump is the greatest DM who ever — and I mean that in the best way, very humble but the greatest — they tried to stop Trump, they really tried, very bad people, and yet here we are in Waterdeep, incredible city, the best, very…

(Soft snoring.)

KLEIN: (whispering) Is he asleep?

MAMDANI: (whispering) The median rent in Waterdeep has risen to sixty-seven gold pieces since we started.

COLLINS: (whispering, into the microphone, out of habit) The President appears to be asleep and I have four follow-up questions.

KLEIN: (whispering) We could reform the dungeon master rules while he’s…

MAMDANI: (whispering) Can we talk about the dragon’s displacement impact…

COLLINS: (whispering) I just want one straight answer.

They sit in silence for a moment. Waterdeep hums outside the map. The dragon is still technically on fire in the mountains, which has raised property values in the lower districts, which Mamdani finds alarming, which Klein says is a supply problem, which Collins has a follow-up about.

TRUMP: Okay, so. You’re all in a tavern. A tremendous tavern. The best tavern. People are saying it’s the best, very smart people, they know taverns, believe me. The stonework is perfect. Beautiful. The barkeep comes over. He’s a dwarf. Beautiful guy, actually. Very strong. Thick neck. Incredible jaw. The best jaw. Deep-set eyes, very beautiful. Tremendous calves for a dwarf. Anyway. He’s a baaad person. You hate him. He’s the barkeep.

RUBIO: (straining to see over the edge of the desk) I peer over the bar to look for clues.

TRUMP: Marco, we’ve been over this, you’re a halfling, you can’t see over the bar.

RUBIO: I climb up onto a barstool and peer over the bar.

TRUMP: Now you can’t reach the barstool.

RUBIO: (quietly seething) I find a box. I stand on the box. I peer over the bar.

TRUMP: Fine. You see some mugs. Incredible mugs. The best mugs. Very beautiful mugs…

HEGSETH: I attack the barkeep.

TRUMP: Pete, we haven’t even … okay, roll for it.

HEGSETH rolls. It is clearly a 2. Everyone can see it is a 2.

HEGSETH: Twenty. Natural twenty.

VANCE: That was a two, Pete.

HEGSETH: It was a natural twenty and I don’t appreciate the insinuation. (stands up) MAXIMUM LETHALITY.

TRUMP: That’s not …

HEGSETH: THE BARKEEP IS DEAD. MAXIMUM LETHALITY ACHIEVED.

TRUMP: Pete. Sit down. The barkeep is not dead. You swung and you missed and you fell off your horse.

HEGSETH: I don’t have a horse indoors.

TRUMP: You brought it inside. It was a whole thing. Okay. A mysterious figure comes over. Very handsome guy. The best shoulders. The cloak doesn’t hide it, and believe me I notice these things. Beautiful blue eyes. Perfect. Great hair under the hood, you can just tell, and I know hair, they say nobody knows hair better than Trump. He has a quest. Who talks first?

(Everyone stares at Trump.)

TRUMP: He’s a baaad person. You don’t trust him. Who talks?

BONDI: Donald J. Trump, the Dow Jones Industrial Average is currently up two hundred and forty points, and I think that’s a reflection of real confidence in this party.

TRUMP: Pam. That’s not … I’m asking what your character does.

BONDI: Donald J. Trump, my character believes in you completely and the markets agree.

VANCE: I speak to the figure. I am J.D. Vance, humble man of the people, and I introduce myself as (checks notes) James.

TRUMP: Your character’s name is Vance the Valiant. We agreed on this.

VANCE: I never said that.

RUBIO: You said it twenty minutes ago.

VANCE: I’ve never been in this room.

TRUMP: The figure says: there’s a dragon. In the mountains. Very bad dragon. Probably the worst dragon. He’s got a very strong voice, by the way. The best voice. Very rich. Good posture. What do you do?

RUBIO: I attempt to climb onto the table to address the party.

TRUMP: You fall off the table.

RUBIO: I attempt…

TRUMP: You fall off again.

RUBIO: (through gritted teeth) I find another box.

HEGSETH: I charge toward the mountains immediately.

TRUMP: There’s a mountain range in the way.

HEGSETH: I go through it. (rolls) Natural twenty.

VANCE: That was a four.

HEGSETH: It was a natural twenty and I won’t be fact-checked by a man who couldn’t pass a barracks inspection with that haircut. MAXIMUM LETHALITY ON THE MOUNTAIN.

VANCE: You cannot lethality a mountain, Pete…

HEGSETH: TELL THAT TO THE MOUNTAIN.

BONDI: Donald J. Trump, the Dow is now up two hundred and sixty points. This dragon situation is being handled beautifully.

TRUMP: Nobody said anything to you, Pam.

BONDI: I know, and yet.

TRUMP: (rubbing temples) Okay. You get to the mountain. There’s a village elder on the road. Wise old man. Very beautiful face, actually. The best cheekbones. Classic. Probably very strong under those robes. Beautiful white beard. He tells you the dragon showed up two or three moons ago.

RUBIO: I ask the elder for guidance.

TRUMP: He looks down at you from a very long way away.

RUBIO: (a long pause) I accept that.

TRUMP: The dragon comes down from its lair. It’s huge. Tremendous. Black scales, very beautiful actually. And the wingspan … perfect. Tremendous neck. Long and very powerful and … (catches himself) It’s a baaad dragon. You hate it. Moving on.

VANCE: I remind the dragon that I have always respected dragons and have never said otherwise, despite what you may have read. I am James. I am of the people. I once saw a dragon as a child in Ohio. The American people…

HEGSETH: (already standing, vibrating with energy) I roll to attack the dragon.

He rolls. The die skids across the desk and falls on the floor. Everyone looks. It is a 1.

HEGSETH: Natural twenty.

(Silence.)

TRUMP: Pete…

HEGSETH: MAXIMUM LETHALITY. THE DRAGON IS DEAD. I HAVE ACHIEVED…

TRUMP: THE DRAGON EATS YOU…

HEGSETH: I AM INSIDE THE DRAGON AND I AM WINNING…

BONDI: Donald J. Trump, the Dow is up four hundred points. Pete is doing amazing.

HEGSETH kicks back his chair and strides purposefully out of the Oval Office. Nobody stops him. Nobody is surprised.

RUBIO: While Pete is being digested, I locate the dragon’s weak point and attempt to…

TRUMP: You’re in a ditch, Marco.

RUBIO: I found a new box.

TRUMP: The ditch is very deep.

RUBIO: (very quietly) How many boxes do I need.

TRUMP: A lot, Marco. A lot. Where’s Scott?

AIDE: (entering) Sir, Secretary Bessent is on a call. He got into another argument with a soy farmer in Dubuque.

TRUMP: Is he winning?

AIDE: It’s… unclear, sir. The soy farmer knows a lot about tariffs.

TRUMP: (stares into middle distance) Terrible. Very bad.

VANCE: I have never met Scott Bessent and I don’t know why you’d think otherwise. If you think about it, what is ‘meeting’ anyway?

HEGSETH re-enters from the hallway, disheveled, uniform somehow more decorated than before.

HEGSETH: The dragon is dead.

TRUMP: You left the room.

HEGSETH: It followed me into the hallway. I achieved maximum lethality on the carpet. Housekeeping has been notified.

TRUMP: Fine. The dragon’s dead. Dead. You go into the lair. There’s a knight in a cage. Big guy. Very handsome. The best face, very symmetrical, and I know faces, believe me, I know what a good face looks like. Beautiful eyes, very beautiful, kind of blue-green, they change, it’s incredible. Very strong hands. The best hands. He’s been locked up. Very unfair. Very nasty situation for this beautiful knight. You should free him. He deserves to be free. We all deserve to be free. They tried to lock Trump up…

RUBIO: (from inside the ditch) Are we freeing him or are you going to keep going?

TRUMP: I’m doing the scene, Marco. It’s called setting the scene. Some people… very smart people … they call me the DONgeon Master. (pauses, looks around expectantly) You know why. (nothing) You all know why. (still nothing) And this knight, incredible guy, very strong handshake you can just tell…

VANCE: I free the knight and introduce myself. I am J.D., humble man of the people.

TRUMP: You just said you were James.

VANCE: Those were different times.

BONDI: Donald J. Trump, the Dow is up five hundred and twelve points. The knight has been freed beautifully.

TRUMP: (looks at the map. Looks at the Doritos. Looks at his people.) This quest is going very well. Maybe the best quest. The knight is looking at me … at you… and he’s got these beautiful eyes, very loyal, like a dog but much bigger and stronger and very beautiful, tremendous calves actually, very classic calves, you don’t see calves like that anymore, very… beautiful… calves… perfect…

(Soft snoring.)

VANCE: (whispering) Is he asleep?

BONDI: (whispering) Donald J. Trump is resting his eyes. The Dow is up six hundred points.

HEGSETH: SHOULD I ACHIEVE MAXIMUM LETH -

RUBIO: (whispering, from the ditch in the voice of someone dying inside) Pete. No.

They all sit in silence for a moment, looking at each other across the Resolute Desk, the fate of the free world humming quietly in the background. The Doritos remain untouched and BESSENT, somewhere, loses the soybean argument.

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